What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 07:51
I said to her
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She loved him until the end.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was in good health!
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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We all went to grammer schools
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And i lived it daily.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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I think the readers, may guess!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He knew the spot.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
(And it was in our own minds.)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My life is so biszare .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Ive learnt so much.
I was 9 years of age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Comes on , in middle age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was seconnd youngest,
I have no regrets .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So, i spoilt her more .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was very sick at this time too.
But it wasn’t much.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I don,t even have a pension.
She wouldn,t have been !
As i do to all so called friends.?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My family never makes their pension either.
I will be 64.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Put me off passion for life!!
Im still living with it.
It was going to be , some day.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
This is soul school!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She married twice! .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We were not on the streets..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot live in the past .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She found it foreign!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But, we were locked up after school.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Would this be the day?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
All the time i was locked up.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
What did i know ?
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I never cut or harmed myself..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Who then, do I blame.?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I write beautiful poetry .
I waited trembling.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
When she asked me how she looked .